Method 2: Actually Working Hard and Saving Money and Investing and Stuff
This method is not recommended, as it takes several Earth years and will leave you tired, old, and with a large arrest record for stealing office supplies. In fact, the less said about this method the better. In case you’re still considering this death wish, listen to this story of a lonesome young chap who did it all wrong.
I first heard of this man in the newsbooks. His name was Fred Graves, he was 23 and he was born into a house that was probably not made of bricks fired in Aztec tombs at all. Despite this shortcoming, he managed to trick the intellectuals of the world and got into Harvard, perhaps utilizing a wig or a makeshift codpiece made of potatoed chips.
I truly doubt these are nearly as good as advertised.
With this travesty underway, I took it upon myself to look into this further. Using my almost limitless ingenuity, I was able to find this man and follow his every move. Now, I won’t tell you exactly how (a good gentleman never reveals his espionage tactics), but I will tell you that it sure wasn’t a Gigantic Laser-Shooting Telescope Made Of Rubies Attached To The Moon, so don’t go looking into anything.
After about a year of following his movements, I saw that he was well on his way to earning his degree. He was spending most of his time studying and learning and writing and doing other boring, tedious things, instead of relaxing and enjoying fine wines while perusing magazines printed on pages of the original Koran like normal people. Then, all of a sudden, while he slaved away, he died. All of that work and labour and struggling was just too much for him, and his heart kicked some buckets, or whatever you mortals say. It was even in the papers, although their account was written by common peasantfolk with no respect for accurately reporting the goddamn facts.
Horrible reporting aside, the point is this: Don’t believe for one second that working hard is going to get you anything other than a nice fat laser in the FACE.
Method 3: Murdering a Rich Person
This is by far the most difficult thing you will ever do, as most rich people are combat hardened machines of boner-inducing murder. In fact, due to a strange turn of events in the International courts, I am told by my lawyers that I become the President of Portugal if I go a day without taking a mortal soul. Hating those goddamn Iberians as much as I do, it is needless to say that I keep my quota, regularly exceeding it when I feel it is necessary, convenient or hilarious. Therefore I am well versed in fending off common plebeians, which you must assume is also the case with the man you will be trying to kill.
First, you must learn to defend yourself from his relentless pummelings. Observe Fig. 1:
Fig 1: A gentleman, ready for battle.
The numbered points are all methods of attack the gentleman will utilize, probably all at once.
1) A gentleman’s hat almost always contains some kind of weapon for murdering. It’s impossible to know exactly what it is though, as it varies greatly from gentleman to gentleman. You will have to wait patiently for it to be revealed. What will it be? Pocketknife? Hatknife? Cinder Block? Chance are you will never know, because he will have killed you with it before you realize the hat is even off.
2) While seemingly innocent and beautiful, the gentleman’s face can be a fearsome thing, depending on how tricked out the gentleman is. For example, my eyes shoot gamma radiation and my teeth are made of solid diamond. If he is new to richitude, he may not have the implants necessary to merely blink you out of existence, so you may still have a chance.
3) Inside the gentleman’s pocket may be a number of things. It is a little known fact that modern suits, for those who can afford them, are built like ninja suits. They come with over 112 secret pockets, all containing vials of exotic diseases and fake passports and the like. If you see the your foe reaching into his pocket, immediately take cover, lest he throw Polio at you or club you to death with documents from Argentina.
4 and 5) The average gentleman always has conventional weapons on the ready, should the situation arise that his prey isn’t worthy of being killed with anything diamond tipped. The gentleman in Fig. 1 is shown wielding a pair of leather gloves, used to both initiate and end combat, and an umbrella, used primarily to evade the authorities afterwards via what has been dubbed "The Mary Poppins Expressway".
Famed gentleman and unstoppable killing machine Cornelius T. Monopoly evades police after an enthusiastic game of Blimp VS. Civilian.
6) When all else fails, the gentleman can still just plain kick your ass. Watch out for that.
Knowing the gentleman’s strengths is only the first step in defeating him. The second is coming to terms with the fact that the average gentleman has no weaknesses. Once you’ve accepted this fact, facing his barrage of fists and gloves will be easier. Just keep in there, roll with the punches, and never stop trying to punch him in the liver. I hear liver shots can kill people, that sounds like a solid plan.
If you do manage to slay your foe, simply bring his fine, handsome corpse to the nearest bank, where according to my knowledge of the banking system, you can cash him in to receive all his riches. Rejoice!
These are essentially the only ways to attain yon riches. All other ways are merely variations on these examples. If you think of one that isn’t in this book, it is a bad idea and it will never work. Hang your head in shame.
So anyways, now that you are rich, you may move to Chapter 2 where we will discuss what first to do with your fabulous wealth. Until then, begin amassing your collection of fine bourbons and wines. Once that is complete, have yourself a glass while sitting on your replica of the statue of David made from the fossilized remain of Mayan kings. You’re looking classier all ready!
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