It is a complete and utter annoyance how day after day we have to bat away common folk asking us ridiculous questions. Why, it was just this morning whilst I waked ‘long the promenade when a ruffian asked of me "Gimme a dollar or taste sweet lady switchblade!" This being routine, I swiftly conquered the miscreant using a stlye my personal trainer, Igor, has dubbed "fuckin’ a nigger up with knives, yo," or some other low class jibba-jabba. Needless to say, it is immensely effective.

My knives in bloody ruins, I strolled pompously back to my manor, finally fed up with the state of things. People, just because you are common street scum does not mean that you cannot eventually, with some luck, become a quarter as rich as us! It’s actually quite simple. So get out your best piece of writin’ charcoal and a sheet of fine toilet paper and write this down! It could be your ticket out of the shit-encrusted pestilence hole you were born and destined to!

Part 1: Attaining Yon Riches

Before we begin, please complete this checklist:

__ I was born into a large amount of money.
__ I own several hides of not only extinct animals, but also of animals that do not exist yet.
__ One time I pushed an old lady down the stairs and the cops were like "yo, go to jail" but then I knocked them out with my immense wallet and fled the scene.
__ I am wearing 1-4 top hats\cummerbunds\codpieces.

If you checked any of these, pour yourself a fine glass of bourbon and skip to part 2 of this guide, as the following information is for poor people only. If you checked all of these, you are me, and must be destroyed because for the last time, the experiment is OVER now. YOU HEAR ME? I WILL FIND YOU AND KILL YOU!

There are many ways to gain the vast wealth one needs to be happy. Easy ways, such as being born into it or winning several lotteries are obvious, and therefore won’t be discussed here. We simply haven’t the time. (If you are truly interested, see our other guide, entitled "50 Ways to Blackmail the Local Lottery Commision With Dirty Pictures and a Pirated Copy of Photoshop")

Following are the three easiest ways to start your new life.

Method 1

This method is only for those with the will and concentration of a shaolin monk, as you will be hurling yourself in front of a ton and a half of speeding steel. Now don’t be alarmed, with the right preparations you may be alive enough to enjoy your impending fortune without the aid of a breathing machine!

If it isn’t obvoius already, I’ll say this sternly. You’re going to need armour. Special jumping techniques will not save you; without some sort of pillow-stuffed cardboard robot costume you will be dead. We suggest a refridgerator box filled with old Sunday editions of the new York Times. Cut some leg holes, build a periscope and make your way downtown.

Look for only the fanciest, jewel encrusted cars when deciding which to test your life against. The owners of these cars will undoubtably be filled to the brim with prime lawsuit dollars. Throw yourself infront of the vehicle and hope that when you wake up you’re covered in bad lawyers. At this point, according to my understanding of the legal system in this country, a simple contract signing is all you’ll need to get your riches! Good job!

(And remember, if you are injured beyond repair, that’s good news! You now have the opportunity to turn yourself into an awesome super-robot, like Prof. Stephen Hawking! Rocket-chairs, hover monocles, scary techno voices, it all can be yours!)

Read the Next Part of This Thrilling Thing

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