It is a common fact among men that every once in a while you have to put some stuff in your hair, or else virtually zero ladies will climb on board. For some men, this "stuff" is cheetos. The rest of us make do with shampoo.

But have you ever tried to buy a shampoo? Scientists agree that purchasing shampoo is the second most difficult activity one can do at the average supermarket, the hardest being "getting the damn fat kid at the deli counter not to sweat on your kielbasa". The shampoo shelf is a veritable maze of multicoloured bottles, all of them adourned with abstract ribbon art and pictures of various citrus fruits. As we stare at this smorgasbord of products, one thought inevitably crosses every man's mind:

Which goddamn shampoos are the men's shampoos?


"Hmm... I want to use that shampoo, but what if it is a lady shampoo? I don't want to smell like stupid flowers!"

Now before we delve into this problem, we first must know the facts:

- Men's shampoo was invented in 1971 by John Lennon, who also invented the hairstyle now referred to as "anything but a buzz cut"
- The main ingredients in shampoo are water, sodium pentathol, and cleanliness
- Most men don't know that shampoo is a hygiene product and not a condiment
- Shampoo is a main ingredient in many remedies for such folk diseases as dropsy, wharfman's rash and junkspine
- Some shampoos in Holland are made exclusively out of various cheeses
- Shampoo tastes funny

Now that we are all experts on shampoo, we can identify the issues with identification of the manly shampoos. The main issue is that shampoos are ambiguously named. For example, take Alberto shampoo. Albert is a pretty manly name, but Alberto sounds Italian, and everyone knows that Italy has produced virtually nothing manly since they invented Fabio.


Who else could wield both a sword AND the WWE Heavyweight Title Belt?

So how do we tell which shampoos we are allowed to use and which shampoos will get us the nickname Sucky McDickington? Luckily there are some subtle hints that can help us.

Keywords: Certain words can make the difference. Look for words like Arctic, Attack, Primate, Shiver, Surge, Lightning, Primal, or Steak Sauce. In addition, some words spell certain doom for your search. These include: sleek, bacteria cultures, silky, fragrance, herbal, smooth and fat free.

Bottle Shape: Shampoo bottles come in all shapes and sizes. Some are rounded and curved, like a snake or a crazy straw or a crazy snake. These products are almost always female-oriented, as women are scared of corners. On the other hand, men only like buying things that you can kill someone with. And as the inventor of the mace will tell you, corners are the way to go.

Bottle Material: Some bottles are made of glass. If the glass is coloured, it is a girl shampoo. If the glass is clear, you are probably in the wrong section of the pharmacy because you are holding a cologne.

Price: Finally, if the shampoo costs more than 10 dollars per 50 mL, put it down because it is not for you.

Armed with these useful tips, you now have almost a 20% chance of picking a man's shampoo. Now, in the words of Missy Elliot, "Something something something, get your hair did."



Return to Humours