...a game that takes you on a magical journey to some planet so you can wander around aimlessly and die repeatedly. Why this game was made I cannot fathom, but I can only assume it has something to do with boosting monitor sales by forcing people to put their fist in theirs. And I give it credit, it succeeds in this regard spectacularly.
The game, like all games made prior to 1997, gives us pretty much nothing to work on in terms of initial story. A cutscene of a spaceship flying directly at a planet, and then crashing into it, are all we have to go on.
Stupid spaceship. I knew I should have read the manual.
Then the game begins. I began by hitting the buttons on the screen randomly until I found something that did anything. In the style of the popular Ultima Underworld games, this game thinks the whole "mouse" contraption is the best goddamn thing since the tall boy, and it forces you to use it exclusively for everything. Luckily, the interface is relatively intuitive. For example, it only took me 10 minutes to find the panel that lets me get naked.
Thank god I brought my bondage gear that is also a computer apparently.
When clicked on, the computer spits out a bunch of morse code (hooray for the future), and then displays my name to be TREPLIEV1. This has led me to believe that the developers' vision of the future is populated exclusively by 13 year old AOL users. Stupid name or not though, I had a job to do. With the gentle alien wind caressing the parts of my body that weren't covered in a retarded wearable computer, I felt I was prepared to begin exploring. But first, I had to check my temperature.
Above: an unnecessary amount of temperature gauges
Luckily enough, the developers saw fit to provide me with an easy way to see how fat I am. Also, they for some reason made the day counter go to 4 digits, which can only mean that they expect someone in the world to play this for 1000 goddamn days. Disgusted at the thought of playing this for more than half an hour I put that menu away and proceeded to walk around and check out the place. This was harder than I predicted, as even the slightest slope forces your guy to stop walking (probably because he is fat and a big fatty who is fat). Also, while some trees and bushes you can walk right through, walking as much as ten feet to the side of other trees will get you stuck and force you to reload the game. After an embarassing amount of time trying to weave my way around the goddamn trees, I found a dude wandering around.
"We're both stuck on this crazy planet, but instead of helping each other out, I'm going to be a dick."
This guy seems to think that being stranded on Retardopia is a cool idea. So instead of attempting to build a spaceship or a noose, he's designated the 40-feet of space around his position to be his own little country or some shit, and he tells you to get the hell out. I looked around, noting that the only thing nearby was a hill with a goat on it. Obviously this guy was an idiot. So I did the only that I knew how to do.
MORTAL COMABAT!!!!
Two punches later I was the proud new owner of a gourd, some matches, a new computer/harness, and a 'Make A Fire'. Finally, some progress! And I had pointless murder to thank for it. That turned out to be the highlight of the adventure though, as my next 5 minutes of play consisted entirely of me picking flowers, eating a pear, and immediately dying of some disease or something. In subsequent plays though, I mastered the art of movement and discovered a mysterious black hole, which turned out to actually be a cave.
If pirate books have taught me anything, it's that caves=treasure. Onward!
Of course, the inside of the cave is completely dark. I tried to start a fire, but it said I had no fuel (and apparantly the game doesn't support simple commands like 'Burn Trousers', to my dismay). I then tried to light a match. Same message. Apparently, in the future, humanity does away with those pesky matches with the sulfur on them and goes for a more natural, completely useless approach. Fuck yeah. After waddling around in the dark for 10 minutes I finally found the exit and emerged back into the unforgivingly boring landscape. The rest of my gameplay experience was an unbridled turd of eventlessness. I saw trees, a bush that I could eat, and more trees. It was like New Zealand, only full of stuttering werewolves.
Oh no, a sprite from the original DOOM game! Whatever will I do?
Like the other guy though, a few punches and the werewolf goes down. For some reason the game doesn't allow me to skin the werewolf, completely denying me the ability to make wicked new furry underwear. Discouraged and dismayed, I walked to a nearby cliff and said goodbye to Craptonia IV.
They always have to make it sound worse than it is. Violent traumatism. Pfft. They could have put "gravity poisoning" or something funny.
Graphics: The only way to recreate the sensation of looking at this game's graphics would be to transform all of the light in the universe into poisonous snakes. Big ones. 1/10
Sound: The only sound I heard was the grunting of my opponents as I relentlessly pummeled them into the ground so that I could expand my kinky leather wardrobe. 4/10
Gameplay: Both of the words 'game' and 'play' imply a certain level of fun. 0/10
This game gets my lowest rating posible: ZERO ANYTHINGS AT ALL OUT OF EVERYTHING EVER.
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