It is only natural though that with such popularity comes no small amount of criticism. Enraged mothers and priestly types the world over have chastized the boy, citing him as the prime reason so many goddamn children are fat (or something along those lines). And yet, through all of this, I have yet to see anyone actually examining this boy to see if he is an appropriate role model. And that means asking but one question: Is Harry Potter awesome enough to show to kids?
Now, for the purposes of this article, the definition of "awesome" will be represented by this picture:
Rick Nielsen of Cheap Trick
Keeping this picture in mind (like I have been for the last 6 years), as well as the fact that I have only seen the popular films based on these books, we will now bring out the microscope and look at this sorcerer in more detail.
The Man Himself
First we examine him as he is. Now, on the outside, he seems to be nothing but a complete weiner. He has all the symptoms: weiner-y haircut, whiny weiner-y voice, british mannerisms, and most of all, weiner-y stupid robes.
WEINER ALERT. ALL HANDS ON DECK.
This of course, is a complete and utterly terrible truth. Harry Potter is pretty much a snivelling hambone of a child, who just so happens to have a silly scar that makes him super powerful. He is like the Green Lantern, only with a stupider costume. This sad truth is exemplified by the fact that even though he pretty much single-handedly saved the entire wizarding world from certain painful death, he is still placed on the same social level as Percy, the 300 pound 2nd grader that everyone calls "Lardmobile". Someone with a scar like his should be at the very top of the playground pecking order; alas, Harry Potter sinks to the bottom of the social ocean like a particularly dense mafia victim.
The Man's Peers
No inquiry of a man's awesometude is complete without a look at the ones he calls 'friend'. For example, that curly haired guy from the A-Team was only awesome because he occasionally got to talk to Mr. T. Who's awesomeness does Harry have to feed off of?
The answer is no ones, as shown in this helpful chart:
Not exactly the most charming bunch, eh?
The Man's Superiors
What defines a man's place in life as well as who the man calls "Sir"? Now, so far things have been rather negative, but this is where it picks up.
The fact is that disregarding his uncle (a man best described as a human gravy boat), all of his superiors are awesome. Virtually all of them have super-insane powers, and most of them have beards that would make Rasputin shit himself in rage. Take for example the principal at his elementary school, Doubledoor:
Doubledoor threatens to kill himself if he doesn't get the last fucking cupcake. Badass.
This guy is pretty much the kung-fu sensei of the wizard world. When you walk into his dojo, you see that he is nothing but a feeble old man. You think to yourself "I can beat an old man. I did it 4 times yesterday." But the second you challenge him, he turns you into a marble statue of yourself and then breaks the statue with his dick. Also, check out his beard. It takes a real man to grow a beard that is longer than your face. Enough said.
The Man's Activities
When you go in for a job interview, the employer doesn't give a shit about who you go to the pub with or whatever. He wants to know what you've done, where you've done it, and with how many women. That is why a man's actions are perhaps the most important. Let us take a look at Harry Potter's resume:
- Killed a giant snake with nothing but a bird and a hat
- Turned a woman into a balloon
- Went to a graveyard
- Trained a guerilla army
- Got it on with a crying ghost
- Lived in a lighthouse
Now that is a badass list of accomplishments. Not quite Charles Lindbergh badass, but it will certainly suffice. And remember, he's done all this by the age of 15 or so, an age when the majority of children spend most of their time skateboarding until people like them.
The Man's Leisure Time
Finally, we come to the last category. When the dust settles, when the bad guy is gone and virtually everyone is okay, what does Harry do to relax? He plays Quidditch.
Harry Potter chases The Snitch. The rules state that if he catches it, he gets a blowjob after the game.
Quidditch is a wizard word which roughly translates into English as "Suicide Ball". It involves everyone flying around on broomseither chasing or running away from a number of balls at supersonic speeds . The balls are aptly named "The Bludgeoner", "The Murderball" and "The Snitch", all of which have minds of their own and will attmept to kill you at any cost. It is also a full contact sport, where a successful tackle sends the recipient tumbling down 300 feet to their death. Is it possible to find a manlier sport? If you ignore the fact that everyone wears dresses as they play, then no, it is not (although Cheese Rolling comes pretty close, at least in terms of death count).
The Final Word
At first, Harry Potter seems to be a complete loser, but upon closer examination he turns out to be at least a small bit awesome. This is why the measure of this man is a respectable
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