This is a movie me and Blaine picked up a few days ago called Post Impact. Now, truth be told, I was not optomistic when Blaine picked it. It was like this:

Blaine: "This movie has a cool name and the cover is neat. Let's get it."

Me: "What's it about?"

Blaine: "I don't know, I didn't read the back. Let's get it."

Me: "It probably sucks then! I've never even heard of it! Put it back!"

Blaine: "NOOOOO!!"

Me: "Fine. But I want to pick a random one too, because I can almost guarantee that that movie will be bad enough to turn the meek and sickly completely blind."

Of course, I picked one that actually looked promising. Of course, we did not watch it. Here is my formal review of Post Impact, told as only a cynical elitist can tell it:

Post Impact (warning: spoilers) (also warning: bad movie, do not watch)

This movie, if it can be called as such, is a strange tale set 7 or 8 years in the future, 3 years after an asteroid has collided with Earth and destroyed much of civilization as we know it. That's right, it's set AFTER the only interesting event in the storyline. The asteroid collided (albeit deservingly) directly on Berlin, "home of coleslaw", creating what is called in this bleek world as "The Death Zone". Ironically, I've been calling Berlin that since I've been 7, but that's not important.

After a few shots of Dean Cain (the world's worst actor) walking around in the snow, we discover that he is a soldier with the association NUNS, a religious organization devoted to taking down microwave emitting sattelites. Their next mission: go to The Death Zone in a tonka truck of some sort and disable, wait for it, a microwave satellite. The team: The hot slutty chick, the foreign quiet chick, the hard-ass bald general who don't take no gruff, and the heroic soldier of truth and justice, played by DEAN CAIN. Also, DEAN CAIN gets to bring along his dog, who has been named Official Mission Chef. The dog promptly eats his nametag and they set out.

At this point, the movie turns into what I believe is a screenshot movie taken by some kid playing Halo, as in this day and age no CGI team would put their real names on a movie with such bad renderings. This goes on for forty five minutes, showing the Tonka truck machine going over hills, going over exploding bridges, and running over purple aliens. Suddenly, without warning, the screen shockingly changes to DEAN CAIN's face being worried. This goes on for 10 more minutes. They then get out of the truck.

DEAN CAIN then takes the foreign chick for a ride on his sled, which looks like a large fridge pushed onto it's side. They ride around for a while in the snow, breaking into abandoned buildings stealing valuables. With several lamps, garden gnomes, and a matress now occupying the trunk of the sled, they go back to the Tonkamobile. They are then shot at by what we are to presume are freedom hating Germans, who destory the sled and the Tonkamobile. The gang all escape down a tube of some sort. Lucky them.

The movie then goes on for another 4 hours, detailing DEAN CAIN's adventures in the German sewers. He shoots about 500 Germans without ever reloading his gun. I can only assume his gun can reload itself, which would fit into the movie nicely as several scenes are exclusively devoted to DEAN CAIN doing voodoo. While amusing and disturbingly educational, after the fifth human sacrifice I began to feel a tad bit queesy.

They finally reach the mastermind's headquarters. They look into his office to discover he is an unguarded crack addict with a gun. He is promptly killed, and everyone rejoices. Some betrayals happen (ooh! unexpected!) but DEAN CAIN saves the day, managing to only get shot 6 times. He then single handedly lifts a sattelite dish (one of those big ones) onto the roof so they can tell the microwave sattelite to perform it's true task: heating soup at the refugee camp from outer space.

The victory in hand, the scene skips to various places showing celebration. Nuns drinking, people partying, ewoks dancing, it's a heartwarming scene. DEAN CAIN then walks through a curtain with a crown on his head, recently declared KING OF EARTH.

The End.

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