That’s right folks. For all lovers of great cinema, the Super-Oscars represent the most accurate opinion on films from this modern age. For years, critics and movie-watchers alike have agreed that this prestigious ceremony symbolizes all that is correct and good in the judgement of movies. And why is this? Because it’s done by us, and we know the secret of all movies. Maybe when you are fabulously wealthy you will understand too... maybe.

Now, let’s get to the nominees!

Most Boring Movie of All Time

Nothing Ever Happens (1933): Thought by historians to be a printing error, this film is merely 4 hours of a still frame in which Abbot is licking a pickle off of Costello’s forehead.
The Constant Gardener (2005): It’s planting flowers. For several hours. The whole fucking thing rhymes too.
Fudge (1995): The longest movie ever made, it displays Rosie O’Donnel going through the horrible process of eating fudge, taking a crap, making fudge out of the feces, and eating the new fudge. She goes through the cycle 41 times before passing out.
Non-existent Bazongas 7: The Musical (2004): Dubbed the worst porn ever, it is just a man singing for two hours about mundane things. The only highlight in the entire movie is during the song "Putting on Trousers is Easy", when a stage light falls in the background.

Worst Gangster Movie of All Time

The Teenage Streets (2002) - A rap oddesey through the eyes of a suburban homeboy, it bears the distinction of being the only movie to have made Tupac cry. When asked about this, Tupac replied "Anyone that does not weep for the future of Rap while watching this shit is messed, yo. Seriously, you’d cry too if you had to watch a fat white kid sing a song called ‘I put the Angst in Gangsta!’. Now get outta my face cracka."
The Godfather 5: Baby Geniuses (1999) - Also considered a printing error, this movie is a cobbled together tapestry of clips from Godfather 3, SuperBabies 2, and Non-Existant Bazongas: The Musical.
Mr. Lunchlady (1972) - Woody Allen stars as a mafia goon who must assassinate the children. He does this by posing as a lunchlady and filling all the food with bullets. The term "massive bullet overdose!" is then thrown around like a cooked ham for 2 hours until Woody Allen’s character is assassinated himself.
Pulp Fusion (2006) - This isn’t a movie, it’s actually this gross juice that I found whilst perusing the aisles of my local grocery mart. Don’t buy it, it is made from poorly distilled children’s souls.

Best Fight Scene

Mr. Ed Goes to Washington (1958) - The famous talking horse is back at it with his communist antics, and this time, he goes straight to the White House to settle the matter once and for all. The 2 hour bloodbath finally comes down to brass tacks when Mr. Ed must face the president himself: Mothra!
Nothing Ever Happens (1933) - 4 hours of gripping Abbot VS. Costello action! Not to be missed.
Robocop VS Rapobot VS RepoRobo: First Blood (1994) - A gripping battle between the three most prominent professions of today! Who will win? Law enforcement? Hip-hop luxury stylings? Or the quiet, dignified property repossession service?
Non-Existant Bazongas 7: The Musical (2004) - Never before has the emotion of "Hitting a Stage Lamp With Your Penis Repeatedly" been captured on film so accurately. Good show.

Now it is time for you, the viewer, to vote! Cast your ballot using hyperspace relay, and once the votes are tabulated we will have a winner in all three gripping categories! Do YOU have what it takes?

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