It has recently come to my attention that some people are defying the laws of eating by combining several meals into poorly named substitutes, possibly in an attempt to create more time for polishing their guns and shooting foreigners. It sickens me that in this day and age the simple "breakfast, lunch, dinner" template of nutritional responsibility has been dashed upon the rocks like a Spartan infant with a single meat-truncheon. In their place, abominations exist now to tempt you into eating meals at odd numbered hours like a Satan. Brunch, Lupper, Linner, Brinner, Aftermorn Tea, Midnoon Surprise, Lunchfast, Morning Brandytime, Pre-nap Sorbet Time, nondescript midsleep protein substance ingestion bracket, all created to give you a meal plan flexible enough to fit into your schedule of collecting rare albino skin to craft your polished white Zepplin of Indescribible Horror.

As always though, I’m here to one-up these half-assed dieticians with a little something I like to call:

The Only Meal You Will Eat This Week, Or Possibly For The Rest of Time

Preparation Time: 0, assuming you own a time machine like us normal folk.

Ingredients:
4 gallons flour
12 lbs Shark Steak
2 cups Blood
4 thingies of Garlic
2 Mars Bar
1 jar Fancy-Schmancy Mustard
2 Dark matter
1 Head of famous guy Tom Arnold
4 Chives

Firstly you will need to don your most impressive outfit, commonly known as the "birthday suit". Pendulum in full swing, you must now cover yourself in the flour you’ve collected. This will provide you with your disguise. Take your cups of blood and head for the beach. If your local police force isn’t yet under your control, you may want to bring a taser or a similarly hilarious form of incapacitation, as they will most likely try to apprehend you in an atempt to be all grabbin’ ya junk. In fact, bring the taser regardless, as this will be a problem should ANYONE catch a glimpse of your esteemed counterweight.

Once you’ve reached the beach, get to within 10 feet of the water and sit down for a bit. Let the sun caress your glorious shoulders as you keep an eye on the water for movement. Your white appearance, coupled with the fact that you have 2 cups of delicious blood (hopefully taken from some sort of dangerous, manly animal), should attract a shark for you to beat the fuck out of. When it presents itself, run into the water and commence fisticuffs! Once your opponent is defeated, swing it onto your shoulder and follow the path of tasered pedestrians back to your mansion.

Using a guillotine or samurai sword, cut the shark into thick, delicious steaks (if you haven’t put your clothes back on at this point, be careful during this step. The term "gentleman" contains the word "man" for a reason). Next, garnish the steaks with your auxilliary ingredients: mustards, mars bars, Chives, and Tom Arnold. Into the largest, most handsome steaks, you will then inject atleast 1 cubic inch (84 quadrillion lbs) of dark matter. Now, because dark matter is so dense, it takes an insane amount of time to cook. This is why I suggest that you just man up and eat your steaks raw. If you do cook them, allow 3 or 4 weeks to cool.

Serves 190, or if you’re a man, serves you.

Return to Humours