Dream Warriors
July 15, 2005

This is a hilarious looking movie I found at the local mini-mart, or whatever it is called. Being that I have an affinity for clashing time periods and spiked clubs, Dream Warriors caught my eye heartily.



Please note that this is the only suitable image I could find of the DVD's cover, and it is missing vital elements (such as the ever important name).

Now as the cover would lead you to believe, this movie is about a clan of dungeons and dragons players that somehow gain superhuman strength. They wage war on the world that called them losers, eventually toppling the Statue of Liberty, which means, as all other apocalyptic movies have shown us, that civilization is officially over.

So naturally, I rented it. What I saw was not what I was anticipating.

To start the movie, we are greeted by blackness. Eventually, some horrible CG shows us that we are in actuality flying through the outer reaches of space, which explains why the Big Bopper is playing on the radio. We eventually get to see the Earth. The camera stabilizes for a second, then pans over to an asteroid which destroys life as we know it.

Then the opening credits happen.

At this point I am intrigued. Will they pull a Post Impact and throw Dean Cain at me? When does the club guy come into play? Why isn't the entire Earth coverred in ash? Why is every single actor's name spelled in some horrible language that allows the letters V and B to be placed beside eachother? Why does the asteroid spew out lava everywhere when it hits? All things I wanted to know.

Anyways, we soon find out that, just like in all apocalyptic disasters, several humans survive and decide to evolve within a matter of a few decades into mutants. Of course, the normals hate the mutants and vie versa, and a race war is the answer. Unlike other movies though, the mutants in Dream Warrior are retarded and barely know how to use their powers. Needless to say, they are slaughtered like toddlers in a mine field laced with candy.

In the meantime, the strange town in which the story takes place is run by an old man who seems to think he's the hand of God. Just as you would think, the citizens of the city follow this man blindly, not knowing that they are in the biggest blood-drinking, orgy-having, strange-dancing cult on the face of the planet. And the movie goes out of it's way to show you just how culty it is, what with the several orgy scenes and the one with the goat.

Anyways, long story short, a guy comes, blows up some motorcycles, steals a baby, blows up the mother, kills a guy with a pipe, steals the baby again (this time from a mime), and befriends black man who also saves babies. Together, they find some river and save the day. Hooray.

Needless to say, the movie was sub-par. Upon parusing the movie's site on imdb, I noticed that the movie was made in Brazil, which explains the abnormally high amount of in-movie commercials for bananas. It also explains why half the characters were named Paco and why there were so. many. mimes.

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