The answer to most of those questions is probably a combination of "nothing", "no", and "because you have no friends". But with this guide even you can rise above the veritable dumpster of a life you're living now and enter a new plateau of greatness. This guide is here to pull you from your vortex of idiocy and throw you into the lap of luxury. Get your screaming pants on, buddy: it's time to be the dictator!
Chapter 1
The first step in becoming the dictator is to pick a place to be dictator of. Ain't no one going to listen to some idiot in an army hat yelling on the street corner for no reason; geography is a key element here. The following is a list of excellent attributes to consider when picking your potential fiefdom:
- Small country (don't have to travel far to shoot resisters, awesome speaker system can project your voice to even the most banished of subjects)
- Unintelligent populace (less media outrage, subjects will submit to your will in exchange for something shiny)
- Unpopular ruler (if current president/king/sultan is unliked, he may become depressed and moody, allowing for easy overthrow)
- Tropical Paradise (coconuts are delicious and they make excellent impromptu cudgels and projectiles, all around very useful)
If you hit your enemy hard enough, the coconut will reward you by splitting open and being delicious.
If you can find a place that fits these criteria, excellent. If the closest thing you can find is the local supermarket, that will have to do I suppose. Good luck with that one.
Chapter 2: Invasion!
This will be the most crucial step in your becoming dictator. There are 2 ways to go about this:
Method 1: Assemble a rag-tag group of men to accompany you on your mission. In this group will be a big tough guy, a demolitions expert who is a little too "eccentric" for his own good, an old man who will not take any guff, a little foreign guy who is good at kung-fu, and a sexy woman who serves no purpose at all other than being eye candy and getting captured and stuff. With this team you must storm the current leader's palace (or in the case of a supermarket, the manager's office), blowing up as much stuff as humanly possible. Eventually, you must face off against the leader himself, who will probably be decked out with awesome armour and have about a trillion hit points. Once he is dead, the country is yours to do with what you will.
Method 2: Put on a red dress and some lipstick and get a good waggle on. Stroll to the president's house around 11pm on a Thursday. Knock on his door. Once he answers, use the power of seduction to become his main lady. If you are a man, this will take some acting skills and some damn creative lighting conditions. As his main lady, you will have ultimate power over him. Boss him around, and through him you can be pseudo-dictator. If this doesn't tickle your boat (or however that saying goes), murder him and steal his soul and his clothes. Congratulations, you are now the dictator!
Chapter 3: What do I do now?
The first step in your new reign of terror will be to appoint a right hand man. Pick someone ruthless and fearful, so that when you stand beside him your dozens of murders don't seem so bad by comparison. This man will handle the doling out of punishment, as well as the doling out of cupcakes at your war meetings.
Next, you will have to decide upon a ridiculous project to waste all the country's resources on. All dictators have a moon laser or an earthquake machine or a walking nuclear robot or something in the works, and you will be no different. Try to build something unpractical but awesome. Any country can build something useful, but only through the power of whippings and yelling can you realize your ridiculous dream of being able to shoot spiders at people from space.
From this point on, just live it up as best you can. Remember, you are the man with the army hat and the button that turns on the poison-making machine. Act like it.
Strut your stuff! Or better yet, have a pair of wicked awesome robot legs strut for you! You earned it!
This has been another guide in Ben's line of Handy Dandy Books. Other titles include Ben's Handy Dandy Guide to Living in Mongolia, Ben's Handy Dandy Guide to Pretending You Know What Web 2.0 Is, Ben's Handy Dandy Guide to Eating a Whole Bucket of Shrimp, and Ben's Handy Dandy Guide to Drag Racing On Your Segway Scooter. Pick up the whole series today!
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